Caution.

i am in a dreadful mood. so its saturday morning and im alone.

i was dragged into this raging mood by my mother. had the hugest row with her this morning. got me thinking what a mother really wants. im not gettin into details, coz if i am id be picturing her as a --, yeah, in public views. so i better zip it. me n me mom, we're best of pals. but there are days when when im Palestine n she's Israel. or the other way 'round. reconciliation is imaginary.

i got so mad, pissed, felt unappreciated, injusticed, fucked over and damn guilty i reached for a fag n forgot i was fasting.
well.

what is ur excuse for fasting, anyway, when u pray less than two times a day, or worse yet, dont even bother to get ur ass up and fullfill a simple obligation to your Merciful God.
or when u speak to your biological mother, where heaven is planted right under her holy feat, like u are in the middle of Wall Street of New York handling stock market.
or when u lay ur eyes on ur father n u feel repulsed. and despair.
or the fact that uve share a bed with, on the last count, 25000000 of the opposite sex.

get ur priorities straight for pete's sake.

(dont get me wrong. i fast. i fast all the time. i dont skip it for fun. but i am weak at the hands of temptations.)

or what about, u spent the night with ur boyfriend, fornicate till his c**k turned blue till u couldnt walk straight till ur voice became hoarse till u ur down under became as big as Down Under or big as the arial view of Hazwan's new girlfren's thighs till u scream with earthly pleasure n said ive had enuff stop it already im swollen u prick!!

and still, at 6am u obediently woke up and performed subuh.

where does that put you? do the sin and the pahala cancel each other out?so its back to nil?

do you adopt the im-21-im-still-young-i-can-drink-f**k-jiggy-till-im-forty attitude, or do you practise from now on, up n down up n down u go on the prayer mat because your mommy daddy granny auntie tell u to n keep watchful eyes on you, their hands holding whips, their mouth half-open ready to nag? or because everyone else is doin it n its not that hard whatever it means. or u do i coz its exercise it keeps ur thighs slim n it only takes 10 minutes of ur time? or do you wait for the nur, the lights, the ones that will guide u home, open ur heart, knock u in the head n make u realise that life is temporary, a test, a joyful test if u know how to, n u dont have much time coz in any minute a harmless stingray is gonna whip his barb at u right in ur heart,-bullseye- n ur dead.

i am patiently rooting for the light cause i hate exercise n my momi n dodi are busy little bees.
oh no im not pointing fingers. i believe in err, self-believe. the real reason is im ignorantly stupid. its as simple as it gets.

in skolah agama i received awards every year for highest marks. so by law, i should know a thing or two.
as they say, stupid is as stupid gets. heh~

i belong in none of 'em categories, and yet to all of them.
and realise ive got a lot, a lot, a plethora of knowledge, to learn.
so help me God.

hmm.now that ive calmed down, i forgot my real intention of writing this or how i came to this. im feelin immature.
so ill stop.

ps: momi im s***y.

Indulgence.

-WRITER'S BLOCK-

fuck.

ScrabbleMyBehind~

i need to learn how to really master scrabble. cause i suck at it. my vanity is bruised beyond repair. my best word was, get this -- 'NOVA'....fuck it.

i cant believe it still buggin me 'till now.

i demand a rematch!

babe i hope ur stomach is gettin better.

I Wana Be A Hippie.

#scene 1
......
shabir bear: You remind me of my ex-girlfriend. . . my DEAD ex-girlfriend!
shabir bear: upss
shabir bear: wrong thing
ainnurrahela: tamo audibles dah
ainnurrahela: babe
ainnurrahela: mere tum se pyar he
ainnurrahela: is not i love u in hindi la
ainnurrahela: or urdu
shabir bear: owh yer ker
ainnurrahela: ive checked
shabir bear: then
shabir bear: Arrr! Your booty shivers me timbers
ainnurrahela: ey tanak audibles la
ainnurrahela: pehal u ni
ainnurrahela: susah sgt ke xtekan audibles tu?
shabir bear: susah gler babe
shabir bear: nganga
shabir bear: babe
ainnurrahela: hmm
shabir bear: in ur blog u tulis u nak tgk porn n watched a mobie that was about sex
shabir bear: nice
ainnurrahela: read again la
ainnurrahela: it wasnt about that
shabir bear: y?
ainnurrahela: it was about sundance movie festival
shabir bear: owh
shabir bear: i know
ainnurrahela: dont think bad bout me all the time la
shabir bear: it was about the movie
ainnurrahela: so?
shabir bear: so i wanna watch the mobie
shabir bear: nganga
shabir bear: babe
shabir bear: what u doing?
BUZZ!!!
shabir bear: wah bz chatting dgn org laen ya
ainnurrahela: nothin
ainnurrahela: ill gve u later
ainnurrahela: dont think bad bout me all the time la
ainnurrahela: im sick of it
shabir bear: ok2
shabir bear: i wont think of u at all
shabir bear: i am trying to love u as much as posible
shabir bear: what ever la
ainnurrahela: wat ever wat??
shabir bear: fine i wont disturb u anymore
shabir bear: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ainnurrahela: what?
ainnurrahela: y all o the sudden?
BUZZ!!!
shabir bear: coz ur sick of it
ainnurrahela: im sick of ur thinkin bad about me
ainnurrahela: and yes, the audibles too
ainnurrahela: lain2 im not sick of
ainnurrahela: dfinitely not u
shabir bear: thats how i express i love u
shabir bear: everybody has their difference
ainnurrahela: how?
ainnurrahela: thinkin bad bout me?
ainnurrahela: or the audibles?
shabir bear: thinkin bad bout u
ainnurrahela: oh
shabir bear: ur sick of that rite
ainnurrahela: yes.very
ainnurrahela: who wouldnt
shabir bear: ok
shabir bear: u know i was pissed off yesterday when we went to watch the movie
ainnurrahela: y?
shabir bear: coz ****** ***** * *****.
ainnurrahela: ok
shabir bear: ok jer ??
ainnurrahela: but i am tired of ***** ***.
shabir bear: i know u r
ainnurrahela: i need to get it uot of my chest
shabir bear: then u teese me about ****** u should have left me years before
ainnurrahela: i was telling the truth
ainnurrahela: but i fell in love
ainnurrahela: with u
ainnurrahela: even tho *****.
ainnurrahela: doesnt that mean anything to you?
shabir bear: that was a joke at the wrong time
ainnurrahela: i didnt leave u didnt i
ainnurrahela: or ******?
ainnurrahela: all i did was whine everynow n then
ainnurrahela: i wasnt joking at that time
shabir bear: u mean u really wanted to leave me coz of that?
shabir bear: that is sick la
ainnurrahela: that was b4 i fell in love
shabir bear: but its still sick
ainnurrahela: so?
ainnurrahela: u want me to lie n say i dont mind?
ainnurrahela: fine.
ainnurrahela: i dont mind
ainnurrahela: happy?
shabir bear: i dint know ur a (very offensive word)
ainnurrahela: fuck u
ainnurrahela: if iam iwill no longer b with u
shabir bear: fuck u back
ainnurrahela: uve known me 4 2yrs what the fuck r u playin at?
ainnurrahela: im just whining n telling u how i feel
shabir bear: but it was at the wrong timing
ainnurrahela: u hurt my feelings
shabir bear: u hurt mine too
ainnurrahela: i dont give a fuck about timing
shabir bear: but u dint do anyting
ainnurrahela: do what?!
ainnurrahela: pujuk u?
ainnurrahela: i felt that u hve to kno the truth thats y i x pujuk u
ainnurrahela: u want me to lie ke?
ainnurrahela: n pretend everythings fine?
ainnurrahela: thats the way u wana be ke?
ainnurrahela: u picked the wrong girl la
shabir bear: yup
shabir bear: u dont give a fuck about timing?
shabir bear: means u dont give a fuck bout me is it
ainnurrahela: i said i dont gve a fuck about timing.
shabir bear: what!!!!
shabir bear: thats a lame excuse la
shabir bear: the timing is important, so that u dont hurt my feelings
ainnurrahela: fine.im sorry
ainnurrahela: take ur damn timing with u.
shabir bear: what the fuck is wrong with u
shabir bear: u dah cam tak kisah bout me now
ainnurrahela: i juz wana tell the truth
ainnurrahela: ur too afraid to face one
shabir bear: guess i am
shabir bear: coz i love u
ainnurrahela: i love u too
ainnurrahela: but im tellin the truth whether u like it or not
shabir bear: thankz for telling me the truth
shabir bear: but then pujuk la aku
shabir bear: sakit hati gler
ainnurrahela: i did try
ainnurrahela: u buzz me off
shabir bear: no u dint
ainnurrahela: i did in 7e
shabir bear: no u dint
ainnurrahela: i did too
shabir bear: thats all
shabir bear: sekali jer
ainnurrahela: then i left u alone so u can think
ainnurrahela: i knew u gona throw this back at me
shabir bear: i dint need thinking
shabir bear: i needed u
ainnurrahela: babe...

#scene 2

ainnurrahela: how the fuck am i suppose to sleep now
shabir bear: what the fuck
shabir bear: would u stop saying fuck
BUZZ!!!
shabir bear: u buat ape tu?
ainnurrahela: if u dun wana say it dont say it la !
ainnurrahela: dont say it coz i say it
ainnurrahela: im writing a blog
ainnurrahela: about this
shabir bear: write about this?
shabir bear: and let people know were r fighting?
ainnurrahela: yes
ainnurrahela: got a problem with that?
ainnurrahela: imna turn rhis all into a joke
ainnurrahela: but if uve got problem i wont do it

he didnt hve any problem with this. we made up like hell afterwards. aum.

the reason i posted this is..none.i dont need reason do i?

welcome 2nd anniversary!!

Cognac With A Sounding 'g'.

skarang pukol 11pm. ari khamis. aku dlm bilek.

tetibe je nak tulis dlm bahasa melayu.

efa tgh bace da vinci code. stelah dipakse. aku tpakse memakse die supaye suke membaca buku. dengan cara itu aku akan mempunyai kawan rapat yang suke membaca dan berkongsi idea. aku cube mem buzz beberape rakan2 di yahoo messenger tetapi dipinggirkan. terasa seperti pengalah (loser) sebentar.

aku juga sedang lapar. begitu juge efa. dia cume berpura2 tidak lapar.
menyesal pula tidak mengikut nadia ber'dinner'an sempena birthday uncle nadzri.
kalo x bley mkn seafood.

hah~laparnye.

uh ade org mmbalas buzz aku.
jadi...

sekian.

WalkenForPresident 2008.

Semalam i met this guy. Christopher Walken. the actor who danced in Fatboy Slim Weapon of Choice music video. and previosly appeared in Click.

ok i didnt exactly met him. i met sumone who looked like him. seriously the resemblance is uncanny. rambut la laen sket.

i went to his house in ampang with shabir. supposedly a quick visit. just to pick up my mom and chow. but we were stuck there for 2hours. had milo with this man. he's a lecturer wuddaya expect? he was a former head judge of mahkamah syariah too.

dia bukak cite. as usual about studies. he told us he was under Eisenhower Scholarship and studied in the US. wah. i thought that kind of scholarship only exists in hollywood movies (thats how farfetch i am from it). he instantly became my hero.

and of course, politics. he was looking at shabir and his 2 o'clock shadow beard and said, " it must be difficult for u to get into the US." hehe shabir tesengih n buat muke tak puas ati.
"that's why la..they should lift up the security a lil' bit. its unfair to label all muslim as terrorists. this is injustice! "kate shabir dgn bsemangatnye.

but my uncle said the americans are not to be blamed. i mean about tightening the security. he said that 9/11 was the first time, ever, theyve been phsically attacked. their previous attack was only attempted by the Red Indian. and that was centuries ago. "so its only natural for them to act this way," he said.

at one point he was praising osama, but im not saying about what.

we are all americanised, he said. look at ur tshirt and ur hair, he pointed at shabir. pakistanis dont wear tshirts like that. and you,(me?) ur hair, org melayu dulu2 buat siput je kat rambut..even i, he raised his fork n knife (he was eating pizza), even im eating pizza! heh heh. hehe i and shabir laugh along. ingat nak kene marah tadi.

hmm, so..
dia ckp american conquer us thru culture.(we all knew that)

n that thruout history(catholic vs protestant war) christian lagi ganass dr islam.(i knew that)

and jews are the most hardworkin and humble donkeys.we should follow their work ethics.(hmm ok)

and that dia kawen ngn wife baru dia mas kawen rm280k x kuar brite pon.(i did not kno that)<---we were talkin bout malay latest obsession.

what i dint know is, there's a law in malaysia saying a malay cannot convert into other religion (legally), without denouncing his/her a malay. kire kalo xmo jadi islam xbley jd melayu la. tu je.

xde keje nye we all nak potong kepala budak2 tu,kate pakcik-ku.

kalo xjd melayu xdpt la privileges org melayu yg belambak kt malaysia ni. unless u gonna migrate overseas.

ramai gak yg xjd murtad pas dgr ni, my uncle said.
cess.

n malaysia is the 1st country in the world to have this law in our constitution. hmm. then israel copied us, i think. thats why u can only be a jew to be an israelite.

most of the facts up there i already knew (but not in details) thru watchin movies. hollywood movies. so could 'americanisation' be a good thing?

and yes i know the answer.

To : Shabir.

had breakfast with shabir. i was in a bad mood for multiple, repetitive reasons but none caused by him. but he was there, and always is. it has been almost 2 years, and i never said this to him, for i know how it wud make him feel, but i said it this morning.
leave me alone.

i apologize babe.aum.

Pepsi. But Tasted Like Beer.

i have 3 pages left before i finish The Black Album. sigh~. im'na delay readin it coz i hvnt found a substitute yet. maybe i should borrow a book from, lets say, amar?agaga.

i couldnt sleep yesteday nite. so i watched a movie. ive been meanin to watch that movie about fidel castro but couldnt find the dvd. but last nite i came across this vcd entitled 9 Songs. the cover showed that this movie has won awards at the prestigios Sundance and Toronto film festival. that peaked my interest.

my rumates were asleep. efa was asleep. i clicked play. started off with a singing rock band. followed by a couple making love. and it was very, very visually unsencored. and loud too (i had trouble slowing the voice down).then another rock band started playing again. followed, again, by that same couple makin love.diferent position this time. the cycle went on and on till the end of the movie. and thats it. i can count the dialogues with my fingers. wtf.

so my point is. do movies which include lots of display of penises and vagina, and a with a little of life's dilemma and 'morality' thrown into them, guaranteed a Jury Selection Awards at Sundance? so they're considered an art film, because the director was using sex, as a tool to depict the protagonist relationship with his girlfriend as it unfolds, and rock concerts, to represent the timelines. it was smoothly told but, at times i did feel like watchin porn. oh my eyes! another thing. the line up of rock bands includes Franz Ferdinand, Primal Scream and The von Bondies. (i dont recognize the other 6 bands)

artsy-fartsy. that reminds me of a particular episode of Southpark. A film festival was held there, and Cartman, Kyle, Kenny and (i forgot the other one's name) sneaked ino the cinema to watch one of the art film that was nominated. it was about gay fucking each other and lesbian in prisons. haha. that was cynical. and way before Ang Lee's commercialized Brokeback Mountain too.

and yep. Pepsi that tasted like beer. drank it last nite and 'ask for more'. (efa got drunk and stripped naked with akak fpi hehe) got it from our futsal hamper. nope, not expired yet. efa checked the date. not exactly like beer more like smell like one. not that i kno how beer tasted like~ oho.

tomorrow. front page of of Kosmo!. 'Pepsi Berperisa Arak'.nantikan.

this should put jenglot out of the headlines.

An Atheist, A Blasphemer, and A Pervert.

monday 12.10am.
havin monday blues. no class until 4pm. my body ache all over from futsal yesterday. we came in 2nd (yippee!) tapi ntah mane hampernye tak nampak lagi.

my body fat percentage : definitely on the rising. went to faris yesterday for dinner. lori dewan bandaraya was still at its stationary place for weeks, so we ate inside, where it was cramped like hell. dinner with shabir, nadia n walah. kire nowadays i met nadia only for her to see me stuffing greasy food into my mouth la. nadia poked around my bulging stomach. jesus mother of moses! the bulge wasnt supppose to be there. it was efa's jeans im wearing. its too tight. there u go. that should justify my denial. hoho.

ok im almost finish with the book im reading The Black Album by Hanif Kureishi. i particularly like this scene in the bathroom, where deedee (shahid's lecturer-girlfriend) was harassing shahid, pressuring him to admit that he's an atheist, a blasphemer and a pervert, while his pants are around his knees and and his dick in deedee's hand. that was intense, but shahid prevails, i know he would. another part : shahid's sister in-law wanted to slap him because she suspected him to have started praying and visiting the mosque. it was disturbing, but hillarious, the way its written is fill with dry wit. i never read a character as sweet and as confusingly tormented like shahid. a paki-boy who cant stand the thought of fucking an asian girl. but he comes along with his religious friends, defending abused muslims around essex in london, and retired to nights of drugs, alcohol and sex. enjoys both heineken and lemon vodka, and the soothing, cool feeling of a mosque. he names his book, the one he's workin on, The Prayer-mat of The Flesh. all this n u ant help but rooting or shahid, for the way he is innocently portrayed.

u cant help but feel related in some way with shahid, can ya?

oh. another thing. in this book, thre is this scene where they were discussing the iranian's fatwah. the one about killing the author. hanif kureishi did his best not to mention rushdie's name, intentionally, but he did mention Midnight's Children. a dead giveaway. cheeky guy, that kureishi is. are all muslim (name) writers like this? shahid with his heart undecided, joined his muslim friends burning a copy of the book, but didnt cheer.

oh n i dint imagine him looking like like Prince no more. Now he looks like a younger n cuter Michael Corleone from The Godfather. smoother-featured al pacino in college.

very, very interesting read.

i am bored. juz got back from havin a chat with fafa. sha's a bullet train when it comes to talking. ah now i realised how i missed her. wish her mom wud take back her car so that she wont be going home so much.

ive started a new book. The Black Book by Hanif Kureishi. had it in my possession for quite sometime but only started reading it. the story is simple, but difficult to grasp its meaning. but i like how the dialogue sparkles with a dry, angry wit.

The story is set in the London of 1989, the year the Berlin Wall came down and the year of the fatwah, its a thriller with a background of raves, ecstacy, religious ferment and sexual passion..like i know anything bout fatwah and the Berlin Wall(all i kno is its not separating east n west germany anymo). what the hell does it have anything to do with Shahid ?( the main character who falls in love with his own lecturer)

i imagined Shahid to look like Prince.

its a delightful read.

Speedzone with Heels.

the other day shabir and i went shoppin for his sister's delayed wedding present. not knowing nina enough to know what to get her, ive decided on a lame gift for newlyweds, a frame. shabir wanted something to show that he's eager for a niece/nephew so we bought a pair of baby stocking as well.

so shabir went to que up at the cashier. i went somewhere looking for cards. then it was his turn to pay.

cashier #1 : (saying to his fellow cashier, loudly) Ape kene mengene frame ngan stokin, dowh?
cashier#2 : A'ah, pekebenda ntah dia ni.
cashier#1 : Aku rase frame ni untuk awek dia kot. stokin ntok anak sedara.

Shabir, right in front or 'em, perfectly within hearing distance.

The two cashiers finished packing, turned to shabir. the wrapping counter is over there,sir kate salah seorang daripada mereka.

Shabir pon kate,Oh kat sane eh?time kaseh.

Those 2 ignorant idiots wrapped in morons were dumbfounded.

This is just of the many situations. but im not'na tell 'em all and not on shabir's side. as a matter of fact, i am pissed. with shabir (yeah you babe). ok maybe not shabir, but his deary mommy, Puan Syakila.(oh sorry for the abrupt change of story.im suddenly pissed).

Ive met her in person, shook her oh so graceful pakistan hands, even kissed it, smelled my best smell and smile my most captivating smile.

and the said person wouldnt even looked at me.

u see she's not against malays. she's friends with malays, speaks malay, read n write malay. she's definitely not a racist( i sure hope so). but oh no. no,no,no,no,no. no malays are to marry any of her children. nehi nehi not in my family.

Ive been with shabir for almost 2 years. so this is a really good news for me. mighty good.

what is the matter with malays?(bsides the obvious ones) why wudnt puan syakila own us as a family?does she know she's livin in malay soils for god sakes. why live with malay if u dont really approved of 'em? why let shabir drive an iswara and not some pakistani-made car? why put 'g' in bolognese if ur not gonna pronounce it?

oh no im not here to idolize and demonstrate malay goodness or tell another 'amani' story. let amar do that. this isnt bout race. no this is personal. im waging war. im waging war against my boyfriend's mother.

allrite, im exaggerating. and i know all the answer to all the why's im just being ignorant (like she is to his son's feelings!). i wudnt call it a war coz if it is, im the sore loser hands down. im the one who stays with shabir until now. im the one who's willing to let my years wasted to face uncertainties. dont get me wrong im not talking bout tying the knot. that is not gona happen for a veeeeeeeeeery long time. not with shabir. (but i do like to tease him just to see him sweat). but to put ur pakistan-self over my-malay-self is intolerable. to know there isn't even a tiny marginal space for myself to squeeze amid those hairy beings (sorry syg if ur reading this i do love ur hair they tickle me i like to be tickled) is unfathomable and definitely unsatisfying.

i started to sound grumpy here. its not like i hate his mother. thats a strong word. how cud anybody hate a mother, the one who gave birth to the man i love. yes i love that tall giant. that Big Friendly Giant with devastatingly handsome feature. i may have doubts, (plenty of doubts), advices against him, jeers, fights, misunderstanding, lied, cheated, my heart broken, broken his heart (big time,sori babe) and felt bored and unsatisfied, but who hasnt. we all live with it. n seriously ive never met anybody quite like him. i will not start describing shabir for public viewing coz he's all mine and im keeping it that way. i may look like a midget walking beside him, we have the classic case of misfit, but who'd care if i dont.

so im'na continue taking chances.


ps : this wasnt what im goin to write about in the 1st place. i was gonna write about this really tall guy, ( taller than shabir,yay!), ezrina and a pill-ladened guy and this chubby couple grinding their sweaty asses off at speedzone. they look like two huge, slimy jellybeans. what i sight i tell u. i, shabir, ezrina, apek, n some other guys, we had a blast. where the hell were you guys?
and whatever happen to that story?

'Tataglia' With a Sounding 'g'.

so.
havent been here in awhile. having the same dilemma as alia. type and delete. type and delete.

type and delete.

how the hell are u suppose to write to ur hearts content, while makin sure u havent touch nobody's sore spot? or mistakenly pouring out ur guilty pleasures? how do one become ignorantly bliss? or blissfully ignorant? somebody, do teach me.


saturday.speedzone,with slippers.

efa sangat bersetuju

hari ini efa (sangat) bersetuju untuk bekerjasame menulis blog bersama aku.

setelah memikirkan ape untuk ditulis, we decided to kutuk rico.(sorry rico we had to).

ainnur : so efa ape nak tulis?
efa : bley ke? nanti rico mara...tanak kawan ngn kite da...
ainnur : takpe. dr. bad maseh ada.
efa : ya allah. kene buang lak kite dari kolej ni.
ainnur : takpe. dr. kaderi maseh ada.

so merdeka eve. the curve. bersama rakan2.

ainnur : efa! ko nak g mane?! aku nak type dah ni!
efa : .......
(efa kluar dari bilik.)

so i'll continue later.