Caution.

i am in a dreadful mood. so its saturday morning and im alone.

i was dragged into this raging mood by my mother. had the hugest row with her this morning. got me thinking what a mother really wants. im not gettin into details, coz if i am id be picturing her as a --, yeah, in public views. so i better zip it. me n me mom, we're best of pals. but there are days when when im Palestine n she's Israel. or the other way 'round. reconciliation is imaginary.

i got so mad, pissed, felt unappreciated, injusticed, fucked over and damn guilty i reached for a fag n forgot i was fasting.
well.

what is ur excuse for fasting, anyway, when u pray less than two times a day, or worse yet, dont even bother to get ur ass up and fullfill a simple obligation to your Merciful God.
or when u speak to your biological mother, where heaven is planted right under her holy feat, like u are in the middle of Wall Street of New York handling stock market.
or when u lay ur eyes on ur father n u feel repulsed. and despair.
or the fact that uve share a bed with, on the last count, 25000000 of the opposite sex.

get ur priorities straight for pete's sake.

(dont get me wrong. i fast. i fast all the time. i dont skip it for fun. but i am weak at the hands of temptations.)

or what about, u spent the night with ur boyfriend, fornicate till his c**k turned blue till u couldnt walk straight till ur voice became hoarse till u ur down under became as big as Down Under or big as the arial view of Hazwan's new girlfren's thighs till u scream with earthly pleasure n said ive had enuff stop it already im swollen u prick!!

and still, at 6am u obediently woke up and performed subuh.

where does that put you? do the sin and the pahala cancel each other out?so its back to nil?

do you adopt the im-21-im-still-young-i-can-drink-f**k-jiggy-till-im-forty attitude, or do you practise from now on, up n down up n down u go on the prayer mat because your mommy daddy granny auntie tell u to n keep watchful eyes on you, their hands holding whips, their mouth half-open ready to nag? or because everyone else is doin it n its not that hard whatever it means. or u do i coz its exercise it keeps ur thighs slim n it only takes 10 minutes of ur time? or do you wait for the nur, the lights, the ones that will guide u home, open ur heart, knock u in the head n make u realise that life is temporary, a test, a joyful test if u know how to, n u dont have much time coz in any minute a harmless stingray is gonna whip his barb at u right in ur heart,-bullseye- n ur dead.

i am patiently rooting for the light cause i hate exercise n my momi n dodi are busy little bees.
oh no im not pointing fingers. i believe in err, self-believe. the real reason is im ignorantly stupid. its as simple as it gets.

in skolah agama i received awards every year for highest marks. so by law, i should know a thing or two.
as they say, stupid is as stupid gets. heh~

i belong in none of 'em categories, and yet to all of them.
and realise ive got a lot, a lot, a plethora of knowledge, to learn.
so help me God.

hmm.now that ive calmed down, i forgot my real intention of writing this or how i came to this. im feelin immature.
so ill stop.

ps: momi im s***y.