time magazine

(i can hear pounding hearts of expectations and jovial shrieks upon clicking on my page and finding a new post after waiting and cursing impatiently for oh-so long. haha)

ey ive abandoned this thing for so long it took me forever to log in. i should be punished for smearing dirt on my own bogus shrine.

so ive nothin particular to write about. i couldnt even find words on this keyboard no mo!! demmit. skills if u dont hone them well they become cows. im metaphoriccally serious, man.

ok.so. yesterday we went to kick around some balls. futsal i mean. kalah teruk last minute sial.huh we need a strategies and killer finishing touch.yes thats what we need. uhuh.

ok been tryin to catch up on other bloggers. too much been happenin.i only manage to check on alia's page. log in myspace and friendster, and boy do i need new pictures. been trying to log in this photobucket thingie but keep getting blocked. that thing can smell desperation i tell u, and under the hobby column in its autobiography is enjoy turning people down. pukimak. i should start carrying around camera in my handbag. but first like all amatuer i need to a get a camera first heheh. baby u hear that?

so im babbling here. time is of the essence.

and oh pukimak is my new favourite word. its a sacred thing. its the door to this faboulous world.
and get this, no cover charge.

Don Corleone.

i was just lazyin' around when i get to thinkin,

i, ainnur rahela abdul rahim, have got sooooooo much to learn.

where do i start, where do i finish?
will everything even fit?
wtf would i do with it?
when do i decide,
that ive seen enough?
is there good is there evil.
most importantly,
at the end of the day,
why should i believe what ive learned, anyway?

and this has got nothin to do with the exam ever. dont get me started on that.

hmmm.

i have a dilemma.

my name. the one that i tolerate with. i mean stuck with. yeah that one. well. how do i spell it, for god's sake?

1. not
2. knot
3. naught
4. nod
5. nodd
6. nottiedahottie

if u asked me i'd say no. 6. :p

(stop spelling my name however u want, u guys! demmit. decide one. whichever one.)

hmmm.

i have a (new) dilemma.

raya is on the 24th..
exam, on the next 7th..
REGENER4TE on the 28th!!

smack dab in the middle.
haha.
another question with obvious solution.

shall we crucify 'technicalities' to make way for 5 hours of earthly pleasure (boogie-ing) ?

ashrup, mi amor, what will it be?


ps : i personally love whoever's reading this. I Love You and selamat hari raya to you.

The Box On The Table.

i dont have much of family moments. i have to say my immediate family doesnt own that much of bonding like other families. but still i love them dearly.

but this particular situation really caught my intention. it will be my most memorable.

i go to kgbaru, where most of my dad's family lives, regularly. just to meet my grandma or to hang out with my brother and cousins. and oh yeah, to meet my dad as well.

this particular day, i was sittin in the livin room. with my aunt n granma. we were discussin bout our family's company. for some reason my aunt keep comin to me n tellin me the problems. like i know shit about managing a company. most of the time i just nodded every now n then. all i know is that we need to come up with some money fast to pay the 2 mil debt to the bank. and that, ambank correspondent r some of the rudest in this country.

kembali kpd cerita. it was a heated discussion, we (they) were having. everyone's got a frown on the face. so, my 70-year old granma reach inside her purse and came up with a box of Dunhill 20. light it up, smoked it. put the box down on the table.

my aunt. took the same Dunhill. she dint have a lighter. she went to my grandma, bent a lil', n my granma light the cigrete up for her. oh.cool~

my brother walked in. nenek, nak rokok. he took one. light one. from the box on the table. n joined us. he took the remotes n flipped some channels.

my other aunt. n her husband walked in . from the office. carrying a bunch of serious lookin documents. the frowns intensified. the smoke multiplied. they too, reach for the box on the table. n light one each.

the heated discussion continued.

5 adults. one adolescent (fine, early adult). one livin room. plenty of nicotined-filled lungs. haha.

the box on the table. it brought everyone together. (cue : aahhhhh~~)

i contemplated on reaching one for myself. but oh no. my respect to all. bsides, smart people dont smoke. n to them, i am smart. sumhow my (false) reputation is still intact.

oh. n ive been lighting up cigarettes for my mom since, tak ingat. forever. the first puff has almost always been mine.

so if anyone asked me y do i smoke, i'd say im upholding a family tradition. i aint wana be the black goat who breaks it, wont i?

:p

Rome.

im lovin this blog thingie. its like a mosque to sleep in. and a cat to kick about. just that this mosque doesnt acquire u to take of your shoe n this cat doesnt scratch n bite u back.

first time i heard about a blog i concluded that it was for losers. heheh.

i just wish i can put everything out here. but like everything else in malaysia, censorship is adamant. besides, my conscience (damn u), for so long, has advised me to be discreet. but not on everything. oh god no. my circumspection is limited, trust me. my age of maturity is still in its embryo form.

so.
ini adalah senarai perkara yg tidak (berape) aku selesa bersame..(tetibe je)

monkeys-
lift that stops before my floor. i wana smooth ride up-
smoothies. haha-
biawak besar di burhan-
goddamn coward-
shabir doubting me. i aint miss world 4 cryin out loud-
short gfrens. they make me feel like a monster-
my voice. haih-
my dad-
my mom's new husband-
a stuckup cow-
more than a month celibacy---

err .hmm. im finding it hard to list things i dont like. so ill stop.

ps: i wish im at home right now, playin the new final fantasy . or standing in front of the Pantheon and vatican city in rome with nadia. dammit.

Westmoreland.

so. listen. this is me in monotonous.
suicide. committing it. attempting it. contemplating it. i think they all bore different purposes.

so what is the best way to die? by deciding how yourself. sparing u the element of surprise. in miami vice, at the beginning of the movie, this guy juz takes a step forward in a busy highway n --splattt-- gets hit by a huge ass truck. cool way to die. messy but cool.

a friend of mine swallowed a bunch of panadols, she was waging war with her mom. sent to the hospitals, pumped up her stomach. her parents worried sick by her side. just the way she wanted it. when her mom asked her why she did, how cud u do smthin like that. she said she was hungry. so she ate what she had. panadols.

committing it. this is the real deal. the big kahuna. the mentally disturbed. in my views, u wud only have the guts to do it if the act results in sparing urself from some demon on your tails. this is the mother of selfish act. dont tell me ur committing suicide to spare ur family frens lovers world from the likes of u. the world is a better place without u, u concluded. thats complete bullshit. ur selfish. n thats it. ur saving ur own ass, and thats it. dont go martyr-ized on me.

ur tellin me ur feeling like slitting ur wrist coz u cant stand the fights with ur family lover frens etc, ill put on my sympathy face but i wont buy ur shit. ur telling me ur wana take ur own life cause uh, u got a bun in ur oven, that, ill believe u. it'll save YOU all the trouble in the world. by being dead.

the only reason u'd be able to take a razor, press it down, hard, onto the veins of ur wrist, till the first speck of blood appear, press harder, slowly cutting ur flesh, sideways, till the razor touch ur bone, stretch it, is that ur mentally -disturbed self-centered shallowed cowardice. thats it.

attempting it. u r an attention seeker. u seek attention. u crave attention. ur tryin to tell one to change one's perspective towards u. ur tellin the world to stop doing whatever their doing to u. u swallowed the pills, dropped on the floor and hoping that that 'particular' someone would find you.

or u just plain bored n got nothin else to do. by doing this u think, u'll belong to the rare, specially carved, deeply troubled, artistic, mysterious, intriguing label. pathetic, yes. cool? no.

contemplating it. who hasnt? u'r neck deep in trouble. ur tired of seeing ur life being run about. u felt like u hve no purpose in life.

but ur not the only one.
they r others. exactly like u.

even ive done some contemplating myself. i aint telling u why. u had urs n i had mine.
standing on the 13th floor balcony, nothing between me and the hard concrete floor below, dive in head first into the air, to feel the adrenaline, to feel the rushin wind, piercing thru my skin, gushin past me, carrying away my burdens towards heaven,.....yeah. all i need to do is lift up both my feet. oh so easy.

bt i wont do it. not in million years.
n i know u wont too.

my fren i was telling u about, she had 12 panadols in total at that time. but she only 'ate' the safe 8. go figure.

Fancy Spancy.

hate is such a strong word. it is. i dont have that in me. never had.

but, if u wana know how hate feels like, or, if any or u readers discovered that u have hate anger loathe boiling inside u, n u dont know what to do with it, not entirely sure where to channel it, spare ur boyfrens/ gfrens /lil bro-sis /cats, and do this :

look to your left, on the computer screen, u'll see a picture of a half-hidden ass. focus ur eyes a bit lower ull see LINKS.
look for robert-goddamn-spencer. and click there. (sorry i dunno how to do ur fancy click here link)

read it. google it. pity it. do what u want with it. if u had time, go read it's book.

but if u hvnt have a strong enough faith, i strongly suggest u not to look too much into it.

i just thought id share this with u.

Saya Dan Aku.

tetiba aku nak menulis.

semalam adalah hari suwey. bermula dengan kelaparan dan kebosanan yang amat. tiada kelas lagi. tetiba je sudah pukl 630 petang. bersiap untuk ke bazaar menaiki kereta sue. sue kate nak angkut ktorang sume. tapi, katenye secara tiba2 ketika jam da mncecah 645pm, ada seorang jantan (dekwan) ajak dia buke. sesukati dia je la g makan ngn dekwan meninggalkan we all. mntang2 dekwan da jadi presiden pmukm. sangat x bertimbangrasa. yan da nak mnangis sakit hati.

smenanye aku x kesah sangat. aku tak teruja pon nk kuar ngn sue tu. besides i got my own car.

g kat keta. keta aku xleh start lak. dipendekkan cerita(aka malas nak cerita), aku kene call shabir gak la mintak tolong jumpstart. mamat2 burhan yang mengelilingi kereta aku sume xbley dharap. mengelilingi kereta aku je tau. atau maybe diorang lapar n bergegas nk g berbuka puasa, so tanak tolong aku. ces.

oh. haritu aku ada isu untuk ditimbulkan ketika perbincangan d bilik nadia. iaitu isu 'aku-kau dan i-u'. heheh.
isu ini berkaitan dengan, mengapa orang yang selalu membahasakan dirinya 'aku' terpaksa mngalah dan cakap 'i' dgn orang yg membaha(n so on)? kenapa tidak d other way 'round?

smenanye isu ini mmg bodo dan takde kene mengena. tetapi agak melucukan, kerana tetiba fara membahasakan dirinya 'aku' ketika mahu membelok ke dalam parking alamanda. haha sgt pelik.

aku juga pernah cube ber'aku-kau' dgn shabir. terasa seperti sedang bergado dan mahu menampar one another.
ganas rasenya.

ok kawan2.
hari ini saya berbuka d cyber lagi gamaknye.

sekian.salam.